I just finished watching “The Family Man” which I guess is getting to be a Christmas tradition for me. It was a gift back in 2001 or so. So, now it’s one of the few movies I own. This week I read a post by a friend about feeling restless about not feeling at home even at home, and Just today I received a letter from another dear friend informing me that he is gay. I guess it’s all bring a few things to a head.
I have had it in me to return to school for more education. After spending the last couple years trying to walk the line as a company man / poster boy as a model Christian as part of my church, I have begun to feel like maybe there are ventures outside the covering of the Body I should be perusing. I wish there was life for me to be had more closely knit into a / the congregation, and maybe I’ve been the one choosing to find myself apart from it. Regardless, I’ve found myself dreaming about doing more than settling in an watching the world unfold. Lord help me if it’s somehow something other than your best for me.
Specifically, I’ve been working to own up to the desire in me there has been to join / explore / pursue the military. Four years ago the epiphany hit me. I could just do that. I tried to get some counsel when the idea first hit and much of what I heard was that it sounded like “escapism.” I’m interested in the experience, the credibility, the training, and being able to say that I’ve not ask anyone to do anything I’ve not been willing to do myself. These days the trick seems to be not screwing my life up … too much, and the questions of stewarding what’s already going on and what doors are even available seem to be key.
I like my job. I’ve got a good condo and car, solid friends, a good church, more family than most, and a keeper of a girlfriend, but it feels disingenuous to just ride it all out. I wish all the pieces fit together better, and I’ve got a sneaky feeling they may. It will just take “jumping off the high-dive” (taking the scary first step … and the scary second step … and etc) to get there.
I guess my propose in writing is to get back into a more honest place, willing to step into the things that seem set before me as right and good and even predestined (to whatever degree predestination works). Obviously, I want to talk about it, not like an ashamed shy eight year old, but like someone who is interested in benefiting everyone through playing square and dancing like no one’s watching.
I’m looking to get more honest with myself and everybody else, looking for and planning to find win-wins everywhere I go, and hoping and praying that (dear God) I’m not delusional and that somehow my hunch that I am supposed to go and do and be something apart from the norm is really true at the deepest level rather than some insecurity that’s turned into a self magnification complex.
So, talk to me about it, not because I need your approval or wisdom in particular, but because I need practice identify and believing the true parts of it all. Thanks – dpa